The Rise from rock-bottom

I was 33 years old, diagnosed with depression, working at the local middle school helping special needs kids, which only added to my problems. Every night I'd take home each and every problem those children had, abuse, neglect, physical and mental ailments. I seemed to feel deeper than I ever had before, and I constantly thought of how I wanted to "save" each of them. I thought that I couldnt feel any worse, and that was when I did. I hit rock bottom. I was into my 4th marriage, with no help with 3 children, 2 of which were my own. Housework was left to only me. Homework, football practices, everything. I began to withdraw further and further into my depression. I began missing days at work, and when I was there, I couldnt seem to include myself like I used too. I would go home and do nothing but sleep, and I quit caring for my appearance. Weekends were spent sleeping the entire time. I hated everyone and everything. My children were the only bright spot in my life, and I was not being the mother I used to be. I could think of nothing but sleeping.

I couldnt get out of my head the molestaion I'd suffered as a child, though it only be a small memory for me. I couldnt get over my marriage mistakes. Or the jobs I'd walked out of thinking somehow I was untouchable. I wanted to die.

Death seemed to be the only way out. And I planned the moment that I would leave this terrible life behind. But something, ever so small, inside me was screaming for me to give one last effort. I shared with my mother my thoughts and I was encouraged to check my self into the local crisis unit. I spent 2 weeks and slowly began to feel a little hope. Listening to others with problems that were even bigger than mine, made me think that maybe. Just maybe. There was a way out. A way besides death. I didnt want to disappoint my children by taking my life.

I was then diagnosed with having bi-polar disorder. The depression medication I was on had done the exact opposite of what it should. In a person just suffering from depression, it helps, lifts your mood, brings you out of it. In me, with my mental disorder where my transmittors were all screwed up....and inbalanced. It had the total opposite effect. It fed the demon of depression, and mania.

I was placed on different medications, and for a month I began to feel better. I was attending therapy weekly, doing the mental and physical exercises they instructed. But I found myself once again becoming suicidal. I had enough about me and enough of my depression lifted, to know that I again had to get help.

This time I checked myself into the local hospital, mental/suicidal unit. I wish I could say it was good for me. But there was no help. The phyciatrist wouldnt see me, adjust my meds or anything because I was seeing a phyciatrist that wasnt involved with the hospital. So every day for 7 days I had no structure, no activities, they let me sleep when I wanted, or watch TV. That was it, no visitors even. How was this going to help me? Yet they wouldnt let me out. So I began to walk, I walked the halls every day until I could go home. I wasnt any better, except for the fact that I seemed somewhat more determined to get better.

It took me 6 months to a year to recover from the darkest point in my life, to where I could function.

But damage was done as well.

The school didnt rehire me. My 4th marriage was over- he couldnt deal with my problems nor did he know how, or have anything about him to learn how. And my children no longer trusted me, trusted that I was going to be okay. For my daughter, it was a fight or flight time for her. And she chose to live with her father. I was still struggling with depression, though not as deep as it had been. My daughter moving out was THE hardest thing I'd ever gone through. Not the depression, suicidal thoughts, cancer, failed relationships, other mistakes, or even the molestation from a family member could compair to the emptyness I was feeling over her moving.

I knew she loved me still, and it took me more than 12 months to realize exactly why she left. She didn't think I'd get better and be the mom I was before. She couldnt see an end to the madness.

Its been 2 1/2 years since I had experienced my darkest hour. I've been on medication, and practice daily how to alter my bad and depressed moods. I dont have periods of depression like I did. It comes and goes, but for very short periods of time now, and with MUCH less severity. But it is still there. This is life long for me. A cross I must bear.

But healing has begun in my family. My daughter has realized that I'm really okay now, and we are just as close as we always were before. She isnt hiding her emotions from me like she was, and she is no longer afraid to love me.

My son has been a trooper, never letting go of hope for my recovery. His love has grown and we have a stronger bond than I'd ever thought we would. From the first day I talked with him 3 1/2 years ago about my depression he "knew" exactly how I felt.

Now with his own depression and the likely diagnosis of having bi-polar disorder as well, I see why he understood me.

I think my biggest regret was how my kids suffered. I wasnt a mom to them for far too long. They suffered. This illness doesnt just affect the person diagnosed. It affects the entire family and friends and co-workers you are associated with. They carry a heavier burdan than you do at times. They are carrying you when you cannot carry yourself along.

And they probably never forget.

That is my biggest fear, that my children wont forget when I was in my darkest hour. I'm afraid that I have caused scars that may never heal. They never doubted I loved them. But in all my bad choices I've made in my life, and all I've put them through....the bridges are long in rebuilding. I believe trust in a persons ability to be sound, and make good choices takes a long time to regaine. People who know me, my ex's, friends I've lost, and those I've kept, and the family who were with me through those times will never forget, and they still see me like I was 3 years ago. At least I feel that they do. Many people never can see past your mistakes. Ignorance is a lack of Knowledge. And even in this day and time, people are so ignorant to mental illness.

I look like you. You would never know the dark path I had taken into madness. To know me know and see how far I've come- I have to pat myself on the back. I am not the person I was, that monster of depression wasnt me. It was my illness. I have to tell myself that all the time. If I dont, its too much to bear.

Today....I'm content for the first time in my life. I have a wonderful man who understands me and loves me unconditionally and I know if I ever need to be carried again- he wont leave my side. I have 2 wonderful and forgiving children who seem, on the outside at least, to have forgotten our hard times. We are still on the road to mending whats broken in us. But each day we grow stronger.

There is always a way out, death is not an option. I'm glad I didnt die.

Back from Vacation

I've been away for two weeks now on vacation! It was a wonderful and relaxing time with my family at the lake! The sun did us all some good, and being away from the TV, phone, and people for 2 weeks was heaven!

I am wondering today as I write this if anyone ever views my blog????? Am I just writing this for myself???? I wish that someone would leave a comment and just tell me they have been here. I have such a desire to relate and maybe help someone in my position!

The last two weeks have been up and down for us. My son doesnt handle stress well at all, and is so hyper-sensitive at this moment - you can never tell what will set off a bad or sad mood. With school starting this week its been worse. He is into his therapy but isnt always talking to the therapist. I questioned him about medication for depression, but he informed me that he was cautious about putting him on anything because he suspects that he has bi-polar disorder too. It's sad news to hear, breaks my heart to know that I have probably passed this trait to him. Since he suspects this disorder in him I have to be even more cautious of medication and side effects can show in children when they possible wouldnt show in an adult.

BUT on the other hand, I'm glad that I've been through this myself so that I can know how to deal with my own child, and since I can recognize this problem, hopefully I've caught it early enough that he will recieve the help I never had. My prayers are that his life will be easier than mine was.

Being resentful of the fact that my parents ignored my problems has been a hard thing for me to forgive. I've made many bad choices, errs in judgement and I've had to overcome my problems all alone. Something that I have held on too all these years and never given thought to forgive my parents for that. I should try I guess to completly heal.

I've begun a new medication regimine. I'm taking lamictal, and seroquel. I havent felt MUCH difference, but I have noticed some things that are positive. I'm sleeping at night thanks to the seroquel, and my own depression has lifted somewhat. I've also noticed that I'm not obssessing about what other people think about me or things said to me that hurt my feelings. I used to never care what anyone thought....but as I've gotten older, I seem to think about things that bother me, and let people control my happiness. I'm slowly taking that control back! And I'm proud of myself for doing so! Small steps will still get me where I'm going! Just take a little more time!

Its hard to get a child to understand that. To realize that these feelings of depression, cant do anything right, etc., will go away in time and things will get better for them! Something I've been working with every day.

I've found some interesting things to help him though! One thing is that research shows that when you look with your eyes up and to the left it triggers your right brain to recall pleasant memories, such as your childs first steps, your wedding day, the day your child was born, etc. Researchers have shown that the brain takes in all the pleasant visual things around you and stores them for recall at a later time, and that triggering your right brain to release those memories will ease stress. Monday, the first day of school, my child had a major meltdown, so I tried this exercise on him. And lo and behold it actually worked! He stopped crying immediately and relaxed somewhat. He tried this during the day when he was feeling insecure and unhappy and he said that after a few hours he began to feel more confident and felt better. The rest of the day went okay for him!!!

I havent tried this myself much, I did a few times at night but fell asleep because of my meds so I dont know, but this is something I'm going to remember to try when I feel down myself. Try this out and give me some feed back and let me know if you have noticed any change!

Can children see ghost or is this a hallucination

I'm on the fence about this subject.
Part in being that I believe there are forces around us that cannot be explained, and I've had many personal experiences seeing and feeling things that cannot be explained.

I also am aware that severe depression, & bi-polar disorder can also cause someone to have hallucinations.

So I'm at a quandry, a fork in the road...What do I believe is happening to my child?

My son is 10, and as you know from earlier postings we are dealing with his depression at this current time. He recently told me that he feels, and see's ghosts. He says there is a lady upstairs, she is older thank him, is wearing a long dress with long sleeves, has her hair in a bun, and she has blood on her shirt. He says he knows she died from a car accident, she doesnt want to hurt him, she wants something from him, or to tell him something, but the sight of her scares him.

Now, on his defense, we have strange things that go on, all of us, and others who have lived in our home previously have had an encounter of one kind or another. I have had the bottom of my feet tickled, All of us have heard deliberate footsteps walk upstairs from one end of the house to the other, electronic equipment going off and on, feelings of being watched or followed, or just an overwhelming feeling that someone else is here that we cannot see. Acticles have been moved, hidden, or unable to be found, when we have been sure of where they were, and even "tested" this theroy.

BUT how do I know if my child really sees something, or is having hallucinations? This is a subject that I'm going to do more research on.....

Who knows, maybe I am crazy myself for even entertaining this subject.

Its been weighing on my mind, I'm fearful that he is having hallucinations. what do I do then? And what kind of therapy will be reccomended?

The Wall

Brick by brick
I built a wall
stone by stone I built it all

I hid behind my wall

My eyes are hidden
from the light
I kept my soul out of sight

I hid behind my wall

This place of sanctuary
I lived my life
safe from all my pain and strife

I hid behind my wall

I grew up in this little room
protecting myself
putting my memories on a shelf

I hid behind my wall

This wall that was protecting me
soon became my enemy

The wall I thought it sheltered me

One day I ventured from my gloom
and saw that light
that could not shine through

I chipped away at each and every stone
the light finally warmed my skin
my eyes could see
all that I've been hiding from

My soul now soars
like on a birds wing
I rise from the ashes
that were unseen

Im broken and burned
but lifted up
because my wall
I stood up
-R

One day at a time

I would like to apologize for not posting in several days, so much has gone on around here I just havnet had any computer time at all.

I have begun a course of new meds, and so far I'm doing okay. I'm currently taking lamictal (thats not new) but my doctor thinks maybe I can stop taking the other 5 meds I was on and just go down to two, Lamictal and Seroquel. Well the Seroguel is helping me sleep finally! So far thats the only thing I've noticed though...but as with all new mids it takes time to work.

My son has been doing therapy still and has hbegan to have some good times more than he was experiencing. But we take 1 step forward and then one step back and I'm frustrated with family members for their lack of willingness to try to understand his emotions and fears right now. It appears that so many are taking it personal that he doesnt want to be with them like he did before and think that I'm the problem, and I'm making him think he wants to be home with me rather than with them. They arent taking his anxiety and fears as a feeling thats real for him. At this point I'm so disgusted that people are so selfish and think ts all about them, rather than educating themselves about depression and helping my child. It does make me want to keep him from those who are so ignorant to his fears and his feelings. I guess thats my momma bear rising up to protect my child.

I remember growing up with the same ignorance and how it felt to be misunderstood and the feeling of running into a brick wall every time someone didnt understand me, or at least try too. Had one person just sat and listened to what I had to say about my feelings and not insert their own opinions and what they think I should feel, I would have found some comfort. And now, my own child is running into walls with every turn.

It hurts to see that people wish to remain so selfish and not help in his recovery. I thought that he meant more to them than this...ignorance is NOT bliss! It only pushes someone further away and further into their own destruction, I know this from my own life.

My daily prayer is that maybe all that I went through growing up with this disorder is that it has made me able to help my own children who are now suffering like I have so many times. Maybe I can be their safety net and one who can teach them that they are normal, they are not crazy or selfish themselves, and that they have that safety net in me. I do understand where others cant what they are feeling, and maybe that alone can make a difference.

I dont know....people kick you when your down, even ones who claim to love us unconditionally, because they cannot know whats in your mind.

I only wish that they would put their own feelings of rejection aside and educate themselves and HELP ratehr than harm the fragile soul that exists within my son.

The Roller Coaster of Depression, we're on it!

Wow, seems like it is a roller coaster at times doesnt it? One minute your happy - but still feel bad underneath, the next minute your blue and crying for no reason, or having anxiety you feel that you cant control!

Right now, thats where I've been, and unfortunately my son too. I know his depression has caused my own disorder to rear its ugly head once again - hence my doctor appointment to adjust my meds tomorrow and I cannot wait!

He is begining to have more good times than bad, but the anxiety is driving him crazy. He's clinging to me constantly and wont go anywhere without me. He cant be in another room watching his cartoons even without coming in here every 5 minutes to jsut check and see where I am or give me a hug and kiss. Its been 2 months like this with only a break I think 4 days where he went to a friends or family's for a few hours.

Needless to say its hard on me with my own demons I battle daily. I hurt for him and wish I could make it better. And I cant. Thats hard to come to terms with.

My daughter comes home from her dads today, so that will cheer us both up, change the mix, hopefully for the better. She is like a ray of sunshine for us both.

My sons birthday is this weekend and we are planning a big cook out. I'm looking forward to it, and dreading it all the same. weird huh?

I'm kinda in the mode where I dont want to do ANYTHING but sit on my butt and be lazy or sleep, and doing things I love is hard. But I'm making myself do them anyway, and its helped me tremendously, we have been out in the sun a lot, and that has been wonderful therapy. The sun releases those endorphins that lift your mood, they call it light therapy. I dread getting going, but once I'm outside fishing, or sitting in the sun in the yard, or going to the lake with friends, I'm thankful I went and I feel myself lift from the darkness I'd felt earlier in the day.

It sure aint easy! I've got so much on my shoulders right now, I wonder how much I can carry, and pray all the time I dont wilt under the pressure and get into a depression like I did 3 years ago. I never thought I'd survive that time in my life, and wanted to die, heck, I even planned it a few different ways.

I'm thankful now I fought and didnt give in, but then - I couldnt see that there was a way out of that crushing feeling.

When you finally come out your good days are like being on the wings of a bird flying through the sky with the wind in your hair, carressing your skin, and the sun warming your body, and your free, free to fly and appreciate all the beauty below you that God has given you. Your free to go and do anything, and your light as a feather. Thats where I want my son and I to be again.

A childhood shouldnt be plagued with depression, sadness, guilt, and anxiety for reasons we can, or cant control. I wanted better for my kids than I had growing up....I hope his treatment will do that for him. My mom didnt want the stigma attached to having a child in therapy or on meds. Shame on her, my life would have been so different had she taken just small steps to correct my illness. But here I am, and all the paths I've taken, good and bad, have led me to where I am today, and its a darn good place! God has mostly carried me through my life, when I tried to do it alone, I just seemed to goof it all up. And then he'd pick me up and carry me to the next place in time where I'd try to do it alone again. Luckily he's either walked beside me all the way and even held my hand when he didnt have to carry me....man, I've kept him busy!

But he is big enough for us all, I thank him for that every day.

He'll carry you too, just ask, just have a little faith, even if its as small as a mustard seed, that's enough to move mountains. I'm living proof of that.

Well I've got a hungry child, begging for his lunch so I'd better go.....I'd love to hear some comments if you've been to my site, tell me what you think, if you have been where I've been, or have a child with depression or other mood disorders. I'd love to hear your story, who knows what I can learn from you.

Sunday

I'm sitting here this morning trying to wake up, and its not working, I'd rather lay in bed today - all day. I know thats not good for me so I made myself get up. I'm feeling myself sink kinda low since I've been dealing with my own childs depression, its really getting to me. Luckily I have an appointment this week to my own doc.

Every day is like a roller coaster right now with D, my son. One moment he is happy, the next someone or something has hurt his feelings and he is either in tears or doing the silent treatment and looks like a wounded puppy. Last night he went to bed insecure and wounded, woke up happy and loveable and ready to go for the day, I just never know what to expect anymore. And that a lone can drain a person, besides your child hurting in a way that you cant fix is a lonely and depressive feeling.

We went to the lake yesterday to a birthday party, I didnt want to go, but I know that getting out being with friends is the best thing to do, and I am glad that we went. My boys went swimming and my better half slipped on the dock and hurt his wrist and finger. Must have been bad cause he NEVER goes to the doctor and this morning at 8 he was waking me up telling me he was going to the ER to get it x-rayed. 2 1/2 hours later its not broken just fractured or sprained really badly and its in a splint and he has a prescription for pain meds. He says it really hurts him today and cant move his fingers without a shooting pain into his wrist. That brings along another worry. We farm, and he NEEDS both hands every day......

We are supposed to go back to the lake, the weather is supposed to break in the next few hours and the sun is supposed to shine, so if it does, we are going back and doing some boating and swiming and fishing, the sun will do us all good, and being with much loved friends will help us all get our minds off our worries.

"One reason I don't drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time."- Nancy Astor