The Rise from rock-bottom

I was 33 years old, diagnosed with depression, working at the local middle school helping special needs kids, which only added to my problems. Every night I'd take home each and every problem those children had, abuse, neglect, physical and mental ailments. I seemed to feel deeper than I ever had before, and I constantly thought of how I wanted to "save" each of them. I thought that I couldnt feel any worse, and that was when I did. I hit rock bottom. I was into my 4th marriage, with no help with 3 children, 2 of which were my own. Housework was left to only me. Homework, football practices, everything. I began to withdraw further and further into my depression. I began missing days at work, and when I was there, I couldnt seem to include myself like I used too. I would go home and do nothing but sleep, and I quit caring for my appearance. Weekends were spent sleeping the entire time. I hated everyone and everything. My children were the only bright spot in my life, and I was not being the mother I used to be. I could think of nothing but sleeping.

I couldnt get out of my head the molestaion I'd suffered as a child, though it only be a small memory for me. I couldnt get over my marriage mistakes. Or the jobs I'd walked out of thinking somehow I was untouchable. I wanted to die.

Death seemed to be the only way out. And I planned the moment that I would leave this terrible life behind. But something, ever so small, inside me was screaming for me to give one last effort. I shared with my mother my thoughts and I was encouraged to check my self into the local crisis unit. I spent 2 weeks and slowly began to feel a little hope. Listening to others with problems that were even bigger than mine, made me think that maybe. Just maybe. There was a way out. A way besides death. I didnt want to disappoint my children by taking my life.

I was then diagnosed with having bi-polar disorder. The depression medication I was on had done the exact opposite of what it should. In a person just suffering from depression, it helps, lifts your mood, brings you out of it. In me, with my mental disorder where my transmittors were all screwed up....and inbalanced. It had the total opposite effect. It fed the demon of depression, and mania.

I was placed on different medications, and for a month I began to feel better. I was attending therapy weekly, doing the mental and physical exercises they instructed. But I found myself once again becoming suicidal. I had enough about me and enough of my depression lifted, to know that I again had to get help.

This time I checked myself into the local hospital, mental/suicidal unit. I wish I could say it was good for me. But there was no help. The phyciatrist wouldnt see me, adjust my meds or anything because I was seeing a phyciatrist that wasnt involved with the hospital. So every day for 7 days I had no structure, no activities, they let me sleep when I wanted, or watch TV. That was it, no visitors even. How was this going to help me? Yet they wouldnt let me out. So I began to walk, I walked the halls every day until I could go home. I wasnt any better, except for the fact that I seemed somewhat more determined to get better.

It took me 6 months to a year to recover from the darkest point in my life, to where I could function.

But damage was done as well.

The school didnt rehire me. My 4th marriage was over- he couldnt deal with my problems nor did he know how, or have anything about him to learn how. And my children no longer trusted me, trusted that I was going to be okay. For my daughter, it was a fight or flight time for her. And she chose to live with her father. I was still struggling with depression, though not as deep as it had been. My daughter moving out was THE hardest thing I'd ever gone through. Not the depression, suicidal thoughts, cancer, failed relationships, other mistakes, or even the molestation from a family member could compair to the emptyness I was feeling over her moving.

I knew she loved me still, and it took me more than 12 months to realize exactly why she left. She didn't think I'd get better and be the mom I was before. She couldnt see an end to the madness.

Its been 2 1/2 years since I had experienced my darkest hour. I've been on medication, and practice daily how to alter my bad and depressed moods. I dont have periods of depression like I did. It comes and goes, but for very short periods of time now, and with MUCH less severity. But it is still there. This is life long for me. A cross I must bear.

But healing has begun in my family. My daughter has realized that I'm really okay now, and we are just as close as we always were before. She isnt hiding her emotions from me like she was, and she is no longer afraid to love me.

My son has been a trooper, never letting go of hope for my recovery. His love has grown and we have a stronger bond than I'd ever thought we would. From the first day I talked with him 3 1/2 years ago about my depression he "knew" exactly how I felt.

Now with his own depression and the likely diagnosis of having bi-polar disorder as well, I see why he understood me.

I think my biggest regret was how my kids suffered. I wasnt a mom to them for far too long. They suffered. This illness doesnt just affect the person diagnosed. It affects the entire family and friends and co-workers you are associated with. They carry a heavier burdan than you do at times. They are carrying you when you cannot carry yourself along.

And they probably never forget.

That is my biggest fear, that my children wont forget when I was in my darkest hour. I'm afraid that I have caused scars that may never heal. They never doubted I loved them. But in all my bad choices I've made in my life, and all I've put them through....the bridges are long in rebuilding. I believe trust in a persons ability to be sound, and make good choices takes a long time to regaine. People who know me, my ex's, friends I've lost, and those I've kept, and the family who were with me through those times will never forget, and they still see me like I was 3 years ago. At least I feel that they do. Many people never can see past your mistakes. Ignorance is a lack of Knowledge. And even in this day and time, people are so ignorant to mental illness.

I look like you. You would never know the dark path I had taken into madness. To know me know and see how far I've come- I have to pat myself on the back. I am not the person I was, that monster of depression wasnt me. It was my illness. I have to tell myself that all the time. If I dont, its too much to bear.

Today....I'm content for the first time in my life. I have a wonderful man who understands me and loves me unconditionally and I know if I ever need to be carried again- he wont leave my side. I have 2 wonderful and forgiving children who seem, on the outside at least, to have forgotten our hard times. We are still on the road to mending whats broken in us. But each day we grow stronger.

There is always a way out, death is not an option. I'm glad I didnt die.

Back from Vacation

I've been away for two weeks now on vacation! It was a wonderful and relaxing time with my family at the lake! The sun did us all some good, and being away from the TV, phone, and people for 2 weeks was heaven!

I am wondering today as I write this if anyone ever views my blog????? Am I just writing this for myself???? I wish that someone would leave a comment and just tell me they have been here. I have such a desire to relate and maybe help someone in my position!

The last two weeks have been up and down for us. My son doesnt handle stress well at all, and is so hyper-sensitive at this moment - you can never tell what will set off a bad or sad mood. With school starting this week its been worse. He is into his therapy but isnt always talking to the therapist. I questioned him about medication for depression, but he informed me that he was cautious about putting him on anything because he suspects that he has bi-polar disorder too. It's sad news to hear, breaks my heart to know that I have probably passed this trait to him. Since he suspects this disorder in him I have to be even more cautious of medication and side effects can show in children when they possible wouldnt show in an adult.

BUT on the other hand, I'm glad that I've been through this myself so that I can know how to deal with my own child, and since I can recognize this problem, hopefully I've caught it early enough that he will recieve the help I never had. My prayers are that his life will be easier than mine was.

Being resentful of the fact that my parents ignored my problems has been a hard thing for me to forgive. I've made many bad choices, errs in judgement and I've had to overcome my problems all alone. Something that I have held on too all these years and never given thought to forgive my parents for that. I should try I guess to completly heal.

I've begun a new medication regimine. I'm taking lamictal, and seroquel. I havent felt MUCH difference, but I have noticed some things that are positive. I'm sleeping at night thanks to the seroquel, and my own depression has lifted somewhat. I've also noticed that I'm not obssessing about what other people think about me or things said to me that hurt my feelings. I used to never care what anyone thought....but as I've gotten older, I seem to think about things that bother me, and let people control my happiness. I'm slowly taking that control back! And I'm proud of myself for doing so! Small steps will still get me where I'm going! Just take a little more time!

Its hard to get a child to understand that. To realize that these feelings of depression, cant do anything right, etc., will go away in time and things will get better for them! Something I've been working with every day.

I've found some interesting things to help him though! One thing is that research shows that when you look with your eyes up and to the left it triggers your right brain to recall pleasant memories, such as your childs first steps, your wedding day, the day your child was born, etc. Researchers have shown that the brain takes in all the pleasant visual things around you and stores them for recall at a later time, and that triggering your right brain to release those memories will ease stress. Monday, the first day of school, my child had a major meltdown, so I tried this exercise on him. And lo and behold it actually worked! He stopped crying immediately and relaxed somewhat. He tried this during the day when he was feeling insecure and unhappy and he said that after a few hours he began to feel more confident and felt better. The rest of the day went okay for him!!!

I havent tried this myself much, I did a few times at night but fell asleep because of my meds so I dont know, but this is something I'm going to remember to try when I feel down myself. Try this out and give me some feed back and let me know if you have noticed any change!

Can children see ghost or is this a hallucination

I'm on the fence about this subject.
Part in being that I believe there are forces around us that cannot be explained, and I've had many personal experiences seeing and feeling things that cannot be explained.

I also am aware that severe depression, & bi-polar disorder can also cause someone to have hallucinations.

So I'm at a quandry, a fork in the road...What do I believe is happening to my child?

My son is 10, and as you know from earlier postings we are dealing with his depression at this current time. He recently told me that he feels, and see's ghosts. He says there is a lady upstairs, she is older thank him, is wearing a long dress with long sleeves, has her hair in a bun, and she has blood on her shirt. He says he knows she died from a car accident, she doesnt want to hurt him, she wants something from him, or to tell him something, but the sight of her scares him.

Now, on his defense, we have strange things that go on, all of us, and others who have lived in our home previously have had an encounter of one kind or another. I have had the bottom of my feet tickled, All of us have heard deliberate footsteps walk upstairs from one end of the house to the other, electronic equipment going off and on, feelings of being watched or followed, or just an overwhelming feeling that someone else is here that we cannot see. Acticles have been moved, hidden, or unable to be found, when we have been sure of where they were, and even "tested" this theroy.

BUT how do I know if my child really sees something, or is having hallucinations? This is a subject that I'm going to do more research on.....

Who knows, maybe I am crazy myself for even entertaining this subject.

Its been weighing on my mind, I'm fearful that he is having hallucinations. what do I do then? And what kind of therapy will be reccomended?

The Wall

Brick by brick
I built a wall
stone by stone I built it all

I hid behind my wall

My eyes are hidden
from the light
I kept my soul out of sight

I hid behind my wall

This place of sanctuary
I lived my life
safe from all my pain and strife

I hid behind my wall

I grew up in this little room
protecting myself
putting my memories on a shelf

I hid behind my wall

This wall that was protecting me
soon became my enemy

The wall I thought it sheltered me

One day I ventured from my gloom
and saw that light
that could not shine through

I chipped away at each and every stone
the light finally warmed my skin
my eyes could see
all that I've been hiding from

My soul now soars
like on a birds wing
I rise from the ashes
that were unseen

Im broken and burned
but lifted up
because my wall
I stood up
-R

One day at a time

I would like to apologize for not posting in several days, so much has gone on around here I just havnet had any computer time at all.

I have begun a course of new meds, and so far I'm doing okay. I'm currently taking lamictal (thats not new) but my doctor thinks maybe I can stop taking the other 5 meds I was on and just go down to two, Lamictal and Seroquel. Well the Seroguel is helping me sleep finally! So far thats the only thing I've noticed though...but as with all new mids it takes time to work.

My son has been doing therapy still and has hbegan to have some good times more than he was experiencing. But we take 1 step forward and then one step back and I'm frustrated with family members for their lack of willingness to try to understand his emotions and fears right now. It appears that so many are taking it personal that he doesnt want to be with them like he did before and think that I'm the problem, and I'm making him think he wants to be home with me rather than with them. They arent taking his anxiety and fears as a feeling thats real for him. At this point I'm so disgusted that people are so selfish and think ts all about them, rather than educating themselves about depression and helping my child. It does make me want to keep him from those who are so ignorant to his fears and his feelings. I guess thats my momma bear rising up to protect my child.

I remember growing up with the same ignorance and how it felt to be misunderstood and the feeling of running into a brick wall every time someone didnt understand me, or at least try too. Had one person just sat and listened to what I had to say about my feelings and not insert their own opinions and what they think I should feel, I would have found some comfort. And now, my own child is running into walls with every turn.

It hurts to see that people wish to remain so selfish and not help in his recovery. I thought that he meant more to them than this...ignorance is NOT bliss! It only pushes someone further away and further into their own destruction, I know this from my own life.

My daily prayer is that maybe all that I went through growing up with this disorder is that it has made me able to help my own children who are now suffering like I have so many times. Maybe I can be their safety net and one who can teach them that they are normal, they are not crazy or selfish themselves, and that they have that safety net in me. I do understand where others cant what they are feeling, and maybe that alone can make a difference.

I dont know....people kick you when your down, even ones who claim to love us unconditionally, because they cannot know whats in your mind.

I only wish that they would put their own feelings of rejection aside and educate themselves and HELP ratehr than harm the fragile soul that exists within my son.

The Roller Coaster of Depression, we're on it!

Wow, seems like it is a roller coaster at times doesnt it? One minute your happy - but still feel bad underneath, the next minute your blue and crying for no reason, or having anxiety you feel that you cant control!

Right now, thats where I've been, and unfortunately my son too. I know his depression has caused my own disorder to rear its ugly head once again - hence my doctor appointment to adjust my meds tomorrow and I cannot wait!

He is begining to have more good times than bad, but the anxiety is driving him crazy. He's clinging to me constantly and wont go anywhere without me. He cant be in another room watching his cartoons even without coming in here every 5 minutes to jsut check and see where I am or give me a hug and kiss. Its been 2 months like this with only a break I think 4 days where he went to a friends or family's for a few hours.

Needless to say its hard on me with my own demons I battle daily. I hurt for him and wish I could make it better. And I cant. Thats hard to come to terms with.

My daughter comes home from her dads today, so that will cheer us both up, change the mix, hopefully for the better. She is like a ray of sunshine for us both.

My sons birthday is this weekend and we are planning a big cook out. I'm looking forward to it, and dreading it all the same. weird huh?

I'm kinda in the mode where I dont want to do ANYTHING but sit on my butt and be lazy or sleep, and doing things I love is hard. But I'm making myself do them anyway, and its helped me tremendously, we have been out in the sun a lot, and that has been wonderful therapy. The sun releases those endorphins that lift your mood, they call it light therapy. I dread getting going, but once I'm outside fishing, or sitting in the sun in the yard, or going to the lake with friends, I'm thankful I went and I feel myself lift from the darkness I'd felt earlier in the day.

It sure aint easy! I've got so much on my shoulders right now, I wonder how much I can carry, and pray all the time I dont wilt under the pressure and get into a depression like I did 3 years ago. I never thought I'd survive that time in my life, and wanted to die, heck, I even planned it a few different ways.

I'm thankful now I fought and didnt give in, but then - I couldnt see that there was a way out of that crushing feeling.

When you finally come out your good days are like being on the wings of a bird flying through the sky with the wind in your hair, carressing your skin, and the sun warming your body, and your free, free to fly and appreciate all the beauty below you that God has given you. Your free to go and do anything, and your light as a feather. Thats where I want my son and I to be again.

A childhood shouldnt be plagued with depression, sadness, guilt, and anxiety for reasons we can, or cant control. I wanted better for my kids than I had growing up....I hope his treatment will do that for him. My mom didnt want the stigma attached to having a child in therapy or on meds. Shame on her, my life would have been so different had she taken just small steps to correct my illness. But here I am, and all the paths I've taken, good and bad, have led me to where I am today, and its a darn good place! God has mostly carried me through my life, when I tried to do it alone, I just seemed to goof it all up. And then he'd pick me up and carry me to the next place in time where I'd try to do it alone again. Luckily he's either walked beside me all the way and even held my hand when he didnt have to carry me....man, I've kept him busy!

But he is big enough for us all, I thank him for that every day.

He'll carry you too, just ask, just have a little faith, even if its as small as a mustard seed, that's enough to move mountains. I'm living proof of that.

Well I've got a hungry child, begging for his lunch so I'd better go.....I'd love to hear some comments if you've been to my site, tell me what you think, if you have been where I've been, or have a child with depression or other mood disorders. I'd love to hear your story, who knows what I can learn from you.

Sunday

I'm sitting here this morning trying to wake up, and its not working, I'd rather lay in bed today - all day. I know thats not good for me so I made myself get up. I'm feeling myself sink kinda low since I've been dealing with my own childs depression, its really getting to me. Luckily I have an appointment this week to my own doc.

Every day is like a roller coaster right now with D, my son. One moment he is happy, the next someone or something has hurt his feelings and he is either in tears or doing the silent treatment and looks like a wounded puppy. Last night he went to bed insecure and wounded, woke up happy and loveable and ready to go for the day, I just never know what to expect anymore. And that a lone can drain a person, besides your child hurting in a way that you cant fix is a lonely and depressive feeling.

We went to the lake yesterday to a birthday party, I didnt want to go, but I know that getting out being with friends is the best thing to do, and I am glad that we went. My boys went swimming and my better half slipped on the dock and hurt his wrist and finger. Must have been bad cause he NEVER goes to the doctor and this morning at 8 he was waking me up telling me he was going to the ER to get it x-rayed. 2 1/2 hours later its not broken just fractured or sprained really badly and its in a splint and he has a prescription for pain meds. He says it really hurts him today and cant move his fingers without a shooting pain into his wrist. That brings along another worry. We farm, and he NEEDS both hands every day......

We are supposed to go back to the lake, the weather is supposed to break in the next few hours and the sun is supposed to shine, so if it does, we are going back and doing some boating and swiming and fishing, the sun will do us all good, and being with much loved friends will help us all get our minds off our worries.

"One reason I don't drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time."- Nancy Astor

YOU ARE NOT YOUR DIAGNOSIS - remember that first and foremost

It’s not YOU! GOD DIDN’T SLAP A LABEL ON YOUR FOREHEAD! I PROMISE!

"You can either hold yourself up to the unrealistic standards of others, or ignore them and concentrate on being happy with yourself as you are."-Jeph Jacques

I think one of the hardest things to realize is that you cannot change the way people, even your own loved ones, think of you. The stigma attached to any mood disorder or mental illness is so ignorant. There are so many misconceptions, the most major being that you are crazy, don’t know what you’re talking about, unpredictable all the time, or that you are weak. What most don’t realize is that you are STRONG, you are doing and living with something that is so difficult most can’t handle it. And people fear what they don’t know anything about.
You may never be able to convince those you know to research your disorder and try to understand in whatever little way they can how you feel and why you do what you do. There are those that will be so critical of you and don’t aide in your recovery that you have to make the difficult decision to remove yourself from unhealthy thinking. Sometimes they have willingness to learn, but can’t HEAR what you or even a professional tells them they can do to help.

What you need to realize is that this is not a reflection of you. YOU are not their problem because you have something you cannot control. Our emotions when we have a disorder of ANY type be it a physical deformity or a mental condition are not their diagnosis, and we should never be labeled as our diagnosis. The world is just beginning to realize that mental disorders are a disability that we have no control over having or not having it. We cannot just snap out of it, get over it, etc. You can hide your symptoms but the illness is still there, you are the one that takes it home, not the ones that probably don’t even realize the hurt they have caused you. They mean well, most times. But you have to understand that you cannot change others, only yourself and how you react to them.

Remember the old saying- “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me”.
Wow I found out that that’s really not true. Words can do as much damage as those sticks and stones. They stay with you longer than any physical wound. But if you obsess with what someone has hurt you with, you’ll waste your precious time healing. You have to learn to say “it doesn’t matter what they say”, or how they act. You must remain calm, assertive and find your inner peace, and go to that place in your mind when you feel you are alone with your illness, and find ways to relax your mind and clear yourself of your stresses. Find a hobby, take a walk, bird watching, get a cat or a dog (my farm animals help me relieve my tension, just smelling the hay now calms me!), read inspirational quotes, make a “feel good scrapbook” with quotes, pictures, anything that your eye likes and speaks to your heart, exercise, call a friend who will listen and not judge, write a blog, join a support group, heck – go to the tanning bed for a few minutes the light therapy does wonders! DO SOMETHING FOR YOURSELF.

YOU are not depression, you HAVE depression, YOU are NOT bipolar, you HAVE bipolar disorder, etc. YOU ARE NOT A LABEL. You are a unique individual who has something difficult to deal with day in and day out, but you are a strong individual whose illness has made you special in so many ways. You feel deeper, you appreciate your struggles and the wisdom you have learned from them, you appreciate moments of peace and beauty around you, and you appreciate the little things in life more so than someone who has never been to a dark abyss.
You may never be understood, and you cannot expect others to understand you fully. But you can’t begin until you understand that you are not the disorder you live with. You may be a mother, father, son, daughter, aunt, grandma, grandpa and be darn good at it!!!! You can be successful in your business and your relationships. Yep, it takes work; lots of it, BUT YOU CAN SUCCESSFULLY live your life in happiness and harmony. Who cares what others say, they don’t know you like you do, and you need to take time out each day with every success you master and pat yourself on your back! And don’t stop patting yourself on your back….YOU DESERVE IT!

Happy and Healthy living…
"We judge ourselves by what we feel capable of doing, while others judge us by what we have already done."- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

"Little by little, one travels far."-J.R.R. Tolkien

Sons 1st therapy apt

Tuesday was my sons 1st therapy apt. On the first visit they get background, of the patient and family, asky why your there, blah blah blah. I know they have to get all that info, but I cant wait to get to the root of his problems. Luckily my son liked the man and talked openly to him, but of course with him its like pulling teeth on anything he has to tell you and you find out the full story over time. I heard the words that I dreaded, my child may have bi-polar illness. He is expressing parania, feelings like someone is watching him, and going to jump out and get him, and seeing ghost. The therapist said that he didnt know about if he believed in ghost or not but it could be a sign of hallucinating, he also told us that these are also signs of severe depression. Only time will tell, which were words I was happy to hear, he didn't try to slap a label on him right away.
As far as the ghost, well unfortunately we do have weird things happen in our home, and I've tried to disprove ghost, and well there are some things I cant explain. But I dont know if we have a ghost or not, I'm leaning toward the fact that he is seeing something that is not there.

We had a couple of good days, his mood lifted and we were able to convince him to make an overnight visit with his dad.......DISASTER. It was too soon. I dont know what is going on over there, but my child doesnt want to be with his father at all, and he called me 5 times crying and begging so desperatly to come home. If he didnt live an hour away it would be easier. And his father is stuck on the notion that my son is just wanting attention and manipulating us. Funny, he only does this going there to his house. Well its the last time I make or agree for him to go. I know he doesnt physically abuse him, but WHAT IS GOING ON that his own child wants nothing to do with him??????? I'm desperate to get to the bottom of this.

As far as my own health while dealing with my childs problems, wow, I'm overwhelmed. I have an apt the 17th with my own phsyciatrist to get my meds looked at and possibly adjusted. I've done well keeping depression at bay, but its knocking on my door and it scares me that I cant keep it at arms legnth by myself for much longer. Ive been emotionally drained and physically worn out. But I've been sucessfull so far so I have to pat myself on the back. I never want to go back to where I've been in the past with my depression. I'm thankful I can recognize the signs that its creeping back as well. Stress is a huge trigger and I'm overloaded with stress. So the best thing is to see your doctor when you have periods of stress that arent going to go away and let them know so they can be on guard. Adjustments to medication may be needed, at having your doctor keep a close eye on you is necessary.

My child will too probably be on meds before long, and I hate that, but I'm not going to ignore the fact that some people just need a little help to balance out the brain. Mental and mood disorders are believed to be inherited, so I'm not risking him growing up like I did. My mother totaly ignored my depression and told me I was spoiled, wanted attention, blah blah blah. (she is telling me this about my child too) but that wasnt the case, I was depressed and didnt know why and had no reason...oh wait! Yes I did, I had a chemical imbalance going on. She was so afraid of the stigma back then and how it would make HER look, so I never got help until I was in my late 20's. Then I did it on my own.

Part of my childs problem with his father is the same I had for my mother, misunderstanding, ignorance of mental and mood disorders, and the lack of desire to learn and help your child. You cant just tell your kid to get over it, or think about what YOU want first. It is essential that you research your childs diagnosis, and learn all that you can. Trial and error, there is no easy fix. There are things NOT to say, "I know how you feel" are good intentions, but you DONT know how they feel and it can shut a depressed person down so quickly. I know sounds silly but its true the wrong words or tone of voice can make you instantly feel like you arent understood, or cared about, and if you feel that you cannot fully trust someone then you just wont talk or want to be around them.

Some want a fix right away, those who want to understand this illness will learn there is no easy fix and its a long uphill battle, that a family must fight together and be on the same path. If your not, you'll be alienating yourself from your loved one with the illness, and you may never be able to repair your relationship. A child needs to know security, comfort, and trust in a parent, and if they have never felt that growing up, they may NEVER feel it from you as they grow and become and adult. Dont wait until your child is grown to ask what can I do to make this better. Ask today.

Week 2

Well its been two weeks since my child had first expressed feelings of wanting to die.

Its been a roller coaster. Each day has been something new and I havent let my guard down once. I've seen behavior in my child I've never seen before. He has been SUPER clingy, he was independant before, he wont be alone to play at all, he has fears that someone is going to get him, and something will happen to me if he isnt with me. Anything you say he finds a way to make it a negative statement, and if you say something to someone else, he directs it to himself. He wont take a compliment at all. All this and he is only 9.

The stress from his broken relationship with his father is causing anxiety and greif like I havent seen before. The therapist told his dad that he was one of the most intense person she'd met in a long time and that he needed to find new ways to communicate, and get some therapy himself. I asked him a few days ago if he had done any research on depression, how to talk to a depressed person, etc. Nope hasnt had time. He hasnt had time for his son his whole life why in Gods name would I have thought he would have actually taken the time to help his son through this????!!!! My wish right now is that he just walk away......I have a wonderful man in my life who he wishes was his father. I know thats not right, but he causes so many problems for my child and its just instinct to just want to make the source of the problem go away!

I'm working on several things to relieve his stress. I'm keeping his busy ALL day, exercise, things he enjoys (such as fishing). He is finally opening up to us about his feelings more and more each day. (which are scaring me! he tells me he feels like someone or something is always watching him and he is afraid that someone is going to jump out and get him, and he says he sees "things" - ghost in our home. We are a Christian family, I've been very strict in what he watches on tv, songs he listens too, etc, and the ghost thing isnt something we talk about much, even though I believe that there is good and evil all around us and that we do have something in our home) What scares me is that this may all be delusional thinking. That he isnt seeing ANYTHING, and the paranoia is very extreme.

I don't think his symptoms are getting worse, only that he is finally voicing them all to me. He is up down like a rabbit with his feelings throughout the day and now I finally know how everyone around me felt when they were trying to deal with me when I was unstable! I have bipolar disorder and to me.....I couldn't understand why everyone was getting worn out! LOL Well now I do. My son is not diagnosed with that disorder, luckily we have found VERY good therapist and physciatrist that aren't willing to throw a label and dismiss him.

As far as myself......I'm still in a manic stage, not extreme for me, just cant sleep still, and my OCD is making my think about my troubles non stop day and ALL night long and I cant seem to shut down when I need to. Yet during the day I feel as if I have lead in my feet and no energy.

My meds my have to be adjusted, I dont know I'd rather see if this passes because my meds have kept me in a normal range for so long, I know the stress I'm under is major so its expected to feel the pressure of it.

Well its the start of a new week, and I'm praying hoping that things will take a positive turn....

"An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last." - Winston Churchill

Mind over matter.....helpful hints at managing depression

Mind over matter, easy to say isnt it? Much harder to do sometimes. I tried explaining to my 9 year old who is experiencing depression tonight that its something he needs to try to practice. I dont think much of what I said even made sense to him, its hard for myself at 36 to do when I'm really down.

But it is true that when you have a negative thought, if you immediately replace that thought with something positive, and continue to do that it causes a chain reaction in your thinking. Your thoughts become more positive over time. Its not an easy fix but it does aide in controlling your depression, or mood swings.

There is a quote from Mary Tyler Moore I really like - "Take chances, make mistakes. That's how you grow. Pain nourishes your courage. You have to fail in order to practice being brave."

Looking back over my experiences in life, my mistakes I've made, and this quote really hits home for me. I tried to explain to my child that the feelings of doom and dispair dont last forever, even when you make a really bad mistake, or bad choices. The more you fight the depression, the braver and stronger you will become.

Right now I'm at a loss with words how to make him understand that its going to get better. Things in life could be so much worse, and those fears he has arent rational. Depressed people dont think or feel rationally and its just a fact. Though what they are feeling is VERY real to them. It breaks my heart that this is something Mommy cant fix with a kiss or a hug.

One thing that helped me when I was in my darkest hour of depression was mind relaxation. I have some CD's that I think I'm going to start my son on tomorrow. They relax the mind with visualization and soothing thoughts. It really helped me de-stress and quietened my anxiety. I think it will also be a helpful technique for my child as well.

The other thing that helped me I learned through cognitive therapy and it was so simple! I made a scrapbook with positive sayings, pictures of people I loved, things I liked to look at visually that calmed me. Poems that I enjoyed, etc. I believe that would be a worthwhile project for the two of us to do together. It may seem silly BUT IT REALLY WORKS! Anything to get your mind off your worries and think in a positive manner makes a difference in your state of mind.

Here are some helpful hints to manage your depression

Stay physically active: exercise, take a walk, ride a bike, go for a swim

Make time for pleasurable activities: Do or start a hobby, watch a happy movie, listen to music

Spend time with people who can support you: hugs help! or talk with a friend

Practice relaxing: take a warm bath, drink some warm milk or tea, mind visualization

Set simple goals and small steps: Acknowledge your accomplishments, set goals that you can obtain, dont try to solve the big problems all at once, break them down into smaller steps.

Eat balanced nutritious meals: Cut out junk food, include fruits and veggies, and avoid alcohol.

Practice makes perfect they say, and changing your way of thinking takes time, and...practice. It wont happen over night, but you'll be surprised at how quickly doing those 6 simple steps above will start to change YOUR mind - over - matter!!!

Happy and Healthy living, and prayers and postive thinking to you!

R

Managing Mania

Managing a manic state is probably the most difficult part of having bipolar illness. I'm currently experiencing mania, cannot sleep at night, wide awake and tons of energy and cant seem to shut my mind off day or night. During the day I'm dragging, irritable, and disinterested in about everything, my home, family, and all the things I love.

But the only way to manage your emotions at this time is to MAKE yourself do the things that you dont want too, and eventually by the end of the day I'm calmer, somewhat more energy, even though I'm still experiencing the irritability.

The situation with my sons depression has triggered my own and the stress is overwhelming at this time. I dont know what to expect at each turn right now. I'm worried sick of loosing my child to his depression, either it be his life, or that he retreats too far inward that I loose the bond we currently have.

But I made myself go outside today and work with the calves in the barn, and the horses, fed the dogs and all, it only takes about 40 minutes to do all the feeding and watering, but its 40 minutes that my mind is off of my troubles and it gave me enough motivation to finish cleaning -most- of the house, okay well just a little bit! But its something and thats a big deal! I resisted the urge to sleep all afternoon, that is a major accomplishment for someone in my condition right now!

When you feel like you cant do anything, have no energy or listless even, what EVER you do, no matter how small the accomplishment it is important to reward yourself even if just to recognize that you didn't cave to the depression all day long, you won a battle, no matter how small, its winning!

Signs of Childhood Depression

Sometimes the signs of depression are hard to see in a loved one, especially children. It can be almost impossible to recognize them in yourself sometimes. Most people say that a child has nothing to worry about, a childhood is a care-free existance, a time for happiness always! This statement reveals two major misconceptions. The first is that there is a major lack of understanding about clinical depression. It is not the same as the "blues" or "down" moods that everyone has from time to time, which may actually be caused by unhappiness with one's job, home life or other factors. Clinical depression may resemble these emotional dips, but it is much more pervasive, long-lasting, and life-threatening. It is not necessarily caused by an event or life-style in a child's life. The other misconception is that childhood is a carefree, trouble-free period in our lives. How many people can say that they didn't worry about peer acceptance, grades, making the team, growing up, did I make the right choice? or parental expectations? Adults often forget that children are powerless and have no control over their own lives. This can be a frightening and frustrating to live through day after day. Not all depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain, it can be situational as well and short term. Either way there is always hope with depression that with the right diagnosis, perhaps medication, and support system, children can recover quickly sometimes from depression. Many times medications are not needed, and if they are required most have found that any side affects related to the meds are worth taking the medication rather than feeling depressed all the time!

If you think that your child or family memeber are showing signs of depression, above all else, remember that depression is not a "phase" that they are going through, and they cant just "snap" out of it! Talk therapy is key to getting a handle on this disorder and you should seek a medical professionals opinion on what kinda of therapy is best for your child. If your child is experiencing talk about death, or wanting to harm himself this should be taken SERIOUS and a medical professional should be called immediately or call 911. Parents of any child who is in immediate danger of harming himself (this includes talk of harming oneself, notes or letter written, suicide plans) or others should consider hospitalization. This is a tough choice for parents to make, but it must be emphasized that children do NOT commit suicide. I have recently had to take my old child to a crisis stabilization unit for major depression. Here I am, I have dealt with depression for 36 years and I didnt know my own childs depression had worsened to the point of suicidal idealation. Depression in children can be hidden so well, they are so afraid of making you worry, or disappointing you. I knew my child was experiencing some depression and he had done therapy for awhile. But he also had a physical trauma about8 months ago and underwent surgery. Everyone kept telling me the anethesia was causing his "blue" mood. He was seeming to get better, laughing, playing, his old self. But his siutation with his father (we divorced when he was 1 years old) was getting worse and a gap was building between them and the stress was overwhelming my child.
I have done so much research on MYSELF and my depression and disorders that I didnt research the effects my children could suffer. Dont regret like I do not crossing all your T's and dotting all your I's!!!! This is a real and dibilitaing disorder in children as well.

There is no clear cut way to diagnose depression in adults and even so in children. To this day scientist still dont know how the brain works exactly and what triggers our emotions and depression. So dont expect a quick fix to your problems, however science has come a long way over the years and infact most antidepressents were discovered my accident in trying to find a cure for tuberculosis back in the 1950's!

What we do know for certain is that children have risk factors in their lives which could predispose them to depression or could "trigger" depression. Among these are a family history of mental illness or suicide, abuse (physical, emotional or sexual), chronic illness, physical trauma, and the loss of a parent at an early age to death, divorce or abandonment. However, some infants exhibit depressive symptoms at an early age before most of these factors come into play, so there is an argument to be made for depression being wholly chemical in some children. Each child's depression is individual, and causes will be different for each one. And depression is felt in different ways for everyone. The depression could be wholly chemical, wholly due to psychological factors, or a combination of the two. More important than the cause is identifying the illness and treating it.

Signs of Depression in Children Are:


*Persistent sadness and/or irritability.
*Low self-esteem or feelings or worthlessness. A child may make such statements as, "I'm bad. I'm stupid. No one likes me."
*Loss of interest in previously enjoyed activities.
*Change in behavior, such as not sharing, name calling, hatefulness when your child never exhibited this behavior before. Children dont have the tools to control their feelings or articulate them and sometimes acting out is all they know how to do.
*Bedwetting after your child has been trained to use the toilet.
*Change in appetite (either increase or decrease).
*Change in sleep patterns (either increase or decrease).
*Difficulty concentrating.
*Anger and rage
*Headaches, stomachaches or other physical pains that seem to have no cause.
*Changes in activity level. The child either becomes more lethargic or more hyperactive.
*Recurring thoughts of death or suicide.

Any change in a child's behavior that seems to have no external or physical cause should be looked at. A low mood which results from a loss (death of a loved one, moving, changing schools) which lasts more than a few weeks should be considered possible depression and checked out.
If the child has bipolar disorder, also known as manic depression, these symptoms could be present:
**abrupt, rapid mood swings
**periods of extreme hyperactivity
**prolonged, explosive temper tantrums or rages
**exaggerated ideas about self or abilities
Bipolar disorder is often mis-diagnosed as attention-deficit disorder with hyperactivity (ADHD), obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), oppositional defiant disorder or conduct disorder.

Depression can go hand in hand with other mental disorders, such as eating disorders (especially in girls), ADHD, OCD, and harm to ones self or others, opositional behavior disorders. And should be treated in conjunction with depression.

TREATMENT FOR DEPRESSION

Treatment for childhood depression can vary, medications are often prescribed with little to no side effects, and go a long way to relieving the symptoms your child is experiencing. Phycotherapy however is the key to alieveating depression in your child. This includes cognative and talk therapy and it is essential.
I know for myself growing up with depression that it had a major nagative impact on my life in so many ways, most parents back then didnt understand depression in children, let alone in adults. Mental Illness had a stigma attached even worse than it is today. Your support and love to your child, and HEARING what your child has to say is important at this time. Your child needs to feel that they have an adult who will keep them safe, be open with to talk their feelings out, and they need to know that you are behind them every step of the way, and most of all THEY ARE NOT CRAZY and not alone in this. You dont have to understand what they are feeling, but ackowleding that you know they are hurting is crucial. Research the internet, read books, talk to a therapist yourself - you dont want your childs depression to trigger your own! Parents should educate themselves as much as possible in order to make an informed decision.

If a child's depression has been caused wholly or in part by psychological factors, medication may relieve the depression, but the underlying cause will not be "cured" by medication alone. Therapy can help the child deal with his past in a healthy manner, and also in learning ways to cope with the very difficult process of growing up.Antidepressant medication for children is a controversial topic. There are no long-term studies that show what kind of impact this medication will have on a child's development. The maker of the antidepressant Effexor, in fact, has warned against it being prescribed for children, in fact I as an adult before I was diagnosed with having bipolar disorder was on Effexor for 6 months and I became suicidal. When I finally got a doctor that listened to all I had to say and stopped dissmissing my problems as menstral or situational he immediately took me off that medication and prescribed me Wellbutrin which for me was a God send. Medications affect people in different ways and what works for some, doesnt work for others, it will be a process of finding the right one for you or your child. The U.S. Food and Drug Administration has issued the same warning for Paxil. There has also been some question as to whether the older tricyclic antidepressants are effective with children. Most professionals will recommend therapy as a first line of defense for a child with depression, except in cases where the child is severely depressed or suicidal.But keep in mind that it is almost a certainty that depression will have negative long-term effects on the child and his family. The decision of whether to treat a child with medication is wholly individual, depending on the severity of the child's depression and what toll it will take on the child's life without successful treatment.

Note: Bipolar disorder must be ruled out before a child is prescribed antidepressants for depression or stimulants, as these can trigger mania.Parents of a child with depression should start looking for a child psychiatrist by contacting the nearest university medical center, mental health clinic or organization, your insurance company should also have mental health referrals for you as well.

Depression may be something that is with you or your child for the rest of your life, but that doesnt have to be a prison sentence for you. Once I was receiving successful therapy and prescribed the right medications for myself my life turned around and today I'm happy and content for the first time in my life! There is hope for all of us and a treatment out there to fit your needs. Parents - dont give up, sometimes you have to fight and sacrifice many things to get your child the right help, but your biggest sacrifice may be your own feelings, its time to set them aside, and not take your childs depression personally!
R
"Love is, above all else, the gift of oneself."- Jean Anouilh

Childhood Depression

My own story starts back at the beginning of my own memories. As a child I was articulate, intelligent, creative and loved all nature and animals. But something inside of me was broken. My mother said I was introverted, not trying to make a lot of friends, and didn't want many really. I preferred to be by myself and locked into my own world in my mind. I was told I was spoiled, wanted attention, manipulative, and I could go on and on. I never had feelings of fitting in, even though people liked me, encouraged me, and complimented me. I felt set apart from the world, and I never could figure out what was wrong with me. I had thoughts of hurting myself, thinking I wouldn't have to do this or that, or even try to be happy if I was just in a hospital or bedridden or dying of something. Silly? No scary for a small child. I didn't hear the words depression until sometime in my late teens and then interest sparked, a fire started building. I felt like nothing I could ever do was good enough and no matter how people told me I was smart and could do anything I wanted, the belief was not there for me. I was lonely, and sad and looking back at pictures you can see it in my eyes, on my face. My smile was forced for years, and I hid all my dark thoughts from my family. I was abused by a family member and held that in for over 30 years, this only added to my already building depression. I didn't have the tools to deal with my emotions at the time.
But my mother was dead wrong. I wasn't trying to manipulate her, or get attention, I wanted to curl up within myself and hide from everyone. I didn't want help, nor did I want anyone to know something was wrong with me. Somewhere I was taught that what I was feeling wasn't "normal" and only normal people are accepted.
It made for a lonely existence for me, and I rarely came out of my shell.
I know now, had my parents paid attention to my behavior and seen that I was troubled, my life would have been different. I would received help and probably made many choices wiser than the ones I did. I felt debilitated, damaged, and broken. I was not a happy kid like all the ones I saw around me, this made me hide my feelings even more. I learned quickly when to smile, what to say, and how to shove my fears deep inside of myself. Little did I know then that those fears would boil and rise up one day and my world as I knew it was about to change. As an adult I dabbled in drugs of sorts and for awhile it seemed to medicate my depression, but that was the icing on the cake for a spiral that happened so quickly I had no way of stopping it.
My son was born 9 years ago and from day one he was a carbon copy of myself. I've watched him grow and tried to listen to what he was saying, hearing the words the spoke, not ignoring like my folks had. And now we are dealing with a severe depression and suicidal idealization from him. Luckily, I've been there. 4 years ago I wanted to die, and I planned just how I was going to do it. Written letters to my family and I was resigned to letting it all go. But one day my son, said to me " Mommy I know how you are feeling, you and me, we are just alike". He gave me a huge hug and kiss and silently walked away. I cried for days after that, the realization that my child was hurting and he really DID understand what I was going through made me feel that small fire that began years ago when I first heard the word DEPRESSION. I decided then and there, I was not going to let this beat me, I am a survivor and my children need their mother and I was being so selfish!
So I got help, and was later diagnosed with bipolar disorder.
For me, it started from birth, my brain isn't wired like the rest of the "normal" community. I spent over 30 years in a war I almost lost. Yes, I've lost many battles, made MANY bad choices, and I and my family have paid for them.
Childhood depression is real. A child has feelings, they are a sponge and everything you do affects their lives. Ignoring what your child is feeling, or brushing it off as a phase, can impact your child's life in such a negative way forever.
I decided to fight, and now I pray that my experience with depression as a child I can somehow help my son fight too. We are together in this, and he knows he is not alone, and its okay to feel whatever he is feeling.
Childhood depression is a serious problem and actions should be taken immediately to get your child into therapy and possibly medications if deemed necessary. Fortunately most children benefit from cognitive and talk therapy that medication is not needed or only needed for a short amount of time. But its real and as you read my postings, you'll see how one child who dealt with depression all by herself, went down a lot of wrong roads and almost ended this beautiful life. I wouldn't be were I am today without my child speaking to my heart that day, and they wouldn't have me to hold their hand through their struggles. I know now God has a bigger plan for me and my kids, but when I was little, all I could see was the present. I pray that if your child exhibits signs of depression that you will seek help from a professional immediately. Mommies and daddies cannot fix everything. In my next posting I'll post the warning signs of childhood depression and some things to do and not to do to help your child.
Happy living.......
R

Why A Blog

I decided that I needed to be heard. Come out of the closet so to speak. No, not what your thinking! I have suffered for over 30 years with depression, and my life has many regrets. About 3 years ago I was diagnosed with having bipolar illness and my life has changed dramatically. At first it was scary, I had the same sterotype that many many MANY others have. But then I learned about my illness, how it had formed my life, and it answered so many questions I've had for so long. I turned my illness into a gift...yes its been a gift! I feel deeper, love deeper, I'm creative, I paint and I can write, I look at life differently than others do, and I never stop counting my blessings. I decided I was tired of hiding behind a facad and tell my story. This is my online diary, one womans story of trials and tribulations, a story of survival....

I'm not saying that my life is easy, its hard! Every single day is a struggle. But I've been through so much that its made me a stronger person, and maybe telling my story, I can in turn help someone else who is hurting and confused, lend a voice to causes that are dear to my heart.

In my blog I'll tell you all about myself, lift the curtains to my soul and bear it all. You'll see how the mind of a person with bipolar illness thinks, feels, and what I have to say. I have a son who too is plagued with depression and I'm making it my cause in life to bring awareness to mental illness. I want to show people that we are just like you. You wouldnt be able to pick me out from anyone else, there is nothing written on my forehead, no letter B on my chest, I'm just like you. I'm a mother, daughter, sister, aunt, and friend.

I've been through the dark madness of this disease and I've come through to the otherside, I've risen from the ashes of my "former life" before my diagnosis, and I continue to grow each day. I'll post articles on living and coping with this illness, tips and advice that I have found helpful. And I'd love to hear your story as well! So please feel free to comment anything I have written. I'm not a medical professional, so nothing I say should be taken as medical advice. This is just me, and my diary of my life.....I hope you'll come back to see my post, I just got this started and I've got so many exciting ideas on the way!
R