Childhood Depression

My own story starts back at the beginning of my own memories. As a child I was articulate, intelligent, creative and loved all nature and animals. But something inside of me was broken. My mother said I was introverted, not trying to make a lot of friends, and didn't want many really. I preferred to be by myself and locked into my own world in my mind. I was told I was spoiled, wanted attention, manipulative, and I could go on and on. I never had feelings of fitting in, even though people liked me, encouraged me, and complimented me. I felt set apart from the world, and I never could figure out what was wrong with me. I had thoughts of hurting myself, thinking I wouldn't have to do this or that, or even try to be happy if I was just in a hospital or bedridden or dying of something. Silly? No scary for a small child. I didn't hear the words depression until sometime in my late teens and then interest sparked, a fire started building. I felt like nothing I could ever do was good enough and no matter how people told me I was smart and could do anything I wanted, the belief was not there for me. I was lonely, and sad and looking back at pictures you can see it in my eyes, on my face. My smile was forced for years, and I hid all my dark thoughts from my family. I was abused by a family member and held that in for over 30 years, this only added to my already building depression. I didn't have the tools to deal with my emotions at the time.
But my mother was dead wrong. I wasn't trying to manipulate her, or get attention, I wanted to curl up within myself and hide from everyone. I didn't want help, nor did I want anyone to know something was wrong with me. Somewhere I was taught that what I was feeling wasn't "normal" and only normal people are accepted.
It made for a lonely existence for me, and I rarely came out of my shell.
I know now, had my parents paid attention to my behavior and seen that I was troubled, my life would have been different. I would received help and probably made many choices wiser than the ones I did. I felt debilitated, damaged, and broken. I was not a happy kid like all the ones I saw around me, this made me hide my feelings even more. I learned quickly when to smile, what to say, and how to shove my fears deep inside of myself. Little did I know then that those fears would boil and rise up one day and my world as I knew it was about to change. As an adult I dabbled in drugs of sorts and for awhile it seemed to medicate my depression, but that was the icing on the cake for a spiral that happened so quickly I had no way of stopping it.
My son was born 9 years ago and from day one he was a carbon copy of myself. I've watched him grow and tried to listen to what he was saying, hearing the words the spoke, not ignoring like my folks had. And now we are dealing with a severe depression and suicidal idealization from him. Luckily, I've been there. 4 years ago I wanted to die, and I planned just how I was going to do it. Written letters to my family and I was resigned to letting it all go. But one day my son, said to me " Mommy I know how you are feeling, you and me, we are just alike". He gave me a huge hug and kiss and silently walked away. I cried for days after that, the realization that my child was hurting and he really DID understand what I was going through made me feel that small fire that began years ago when I first heard the word DEPRESSION. I decided then and there, I was not going to let this beat me, I am a survivor and my children need their mother and I was being so selfish!
So I got help, and was later diagnosed with bipolar disorder.
For me, it started from birth, my brain isn't wired like the rest of the "normal" community. I spent over 30 years in a war I almost lost. Yes, I've lost many battles, made MANY bad choices, and I and my family have paid for them.
Childhood depression is real. A child has feelings, they are a sponge and everything you do affects their lives. Ignoring what your child is feeling, or brushing it off as a phase, can impact your child's life in such a negative way forever.
I decided to fight, and now I pray that my experience with depression as a child I can somehow help my son fight too. We are together in this, and he knows he is not alone, and its okay to feel whatever he is feeling.
Childhood depression is a serious problem and actions should be taken immediately to get your child into therapy and possibly medications if deemed necessary. Fortunately most children benefit from cognitive and talk therapy that medication is not needed or only needed for a short amount of time. But its real and as you read my postings, you'll see how one child who dealt with depression all by herself, went down a lot of wrong roads and almost ended this beautiful life. I wouldn't be were I am today without my child speaking to my heart that day, and they wouldn't have me to hold their hand through their struggles. I know now God has a bigger plan for me and my kids, but when I was little, all I could see was the present. I pray that if your child exhibits signs of depression that you will seek help from a professional immediately. Mommies and daddies cannot fix everything. In my next posting I'll post the warning signs of childhood depression and some things to do and not to do to help your child.
Happy living.......
R