The Roller Coaster of Depression, we're on it!

Wow, seems like it is a roller coaster at times doesnt it? One minute your happy - but still feel bad underneath, the next minute your blue and crying for no reason, or having anxiety you feel that you cant control!

Right now, thats where I've been, and unfortunately my son too. I know his depression has caused my own disorder to rear its ugly head once again - hence my doctor appointment to adjust my meds tomorrow and I cannot wait!

He is begining to have more good times than bad, but the anxiety is driving him crazy. He's clinging to me constantly and wont go anywhere without me. He cant be in another room watching his cartoons even without coming in here every 5 minutes to jsut check and see where I am or give me a hug and kiss. Its been 2 months like this with only a break I think 4 days where he went to a friends or family's for a few hours.

Needless to say its hard on me with my own demons I battle daily. I hurt for him and wish I could make it better. And I cant. Thats hard to come to terms with.

My daughter comes home from her dads today, so that will cheer us both up, change the mix, hopefully for the better. She is like a ray of sunshine for us both.

My sons birthday is this weekend and we are planning a big cook out. I'm looking forward to it, and dreading it all the same. weird huh?

I'm kinda in the mode where I dont want to do ANYTHING but sit on my butt and be lazy or sleep, and doing things I love is hard. But I'm making myself do them anyway, and its helped me tremendously, we have been out in the sun a lot, and that has been wonderful therapy. The sun releases those endorphins that lift your mood, they call it light therapy. I dread getting going, but once I'm outside fishing, or sitting in the sun in the yard, or going to the lake with friends, I'm thankful I went and I feel myself lift from the darkness I'd felt earlier in the day.

It sure aint easy! I've got so much on my shoulders right now, I wonder how much I can carry, and pray all the time I dont wilt under the pressure and get into a depression like I did 3 years ago. I never thought I'd survive that time in my life, and wanted to die, heck, I even planned it a few different ways.

I'm thankful now I fought and didnt give in, but then - I couldnt see that there was a way out of that crushing feeling.

When you finally come out your good days are like being on the wings of a bird flying through the sky with the wind in your hair, carressing your skin, and the sun warming your body, and your free, free to fly and appreciate all the beauty below you that God has given you. Your free to go and do anything, and your light as a feather. Thats where I want my son and I to be again.

A childhood shouldnt be plagued with depression, sadness, guilt, and anxiety for reasons we can, or cant control. I wanted better for my kids than I had growing up....I hope his treatment will do that for him. My mom didnt want the stigma attached to having a child in therapy or on meds. Shame on her, my life would have been so different had she taken just small steps to correct my illness. But here I am, and all the paths I've taken, good and bad, have led me to where I am today, and its a darn good place! God has mostly carried me through my life, when I tried to do it alone, I just seemed to goof it all up. And then he'd pick me up and carry me to the next place in time where I'd try to do it alone again. Luckily he's either walked beside me all the way and even held my hand when he didnt have to carry me....man, I've kept him busy!

But he is big enough for us all, I thank him for that every day.

He'll carry you too, just ask, just have a little faith, even if its as small as a mustard seed, that's enough to move mountains. I'm living proof of that.

Well I've got a hungry child, begging for his lunch so I'd better go.....I'd love to hear some comments if you've been to my site, tell me what you think, if you have been where I've been, or have a child with depression or other mood disorders. I'd love to hear your story, who knows what I can learn from you.