Week 2

Well its been two weeks since my child had first expressed feelings of wanting to die.

Its been a roller coaster. Each day has been something new and I havent let my guard down once. I've seen behavior in my child I've never seen before. He has been SUPER clingy, he was independant before, he wont be alone to play at all, he has fears that someone is going to get him, and something will happen to me if he isnt with me. Anything you say he finds a way to make it a negative statement, and if you say something to someone else, he directs it to himself. He wont take a compliment at all. All this and he is only 9.

The stress from his broken relationship with his father is causing anxiety and greif like I havent seen before. The therapist told his dad that he was one of the most intense person she'd met in a long time and that he needed to find new ways to communicate, and get some therapy himself. I asked him a few days ago if he had done any research on depression, how to talk to a depressed person, etc. Nope hasnt had time. He hasnt had time for his son his whole life why in Gods name would I have thought he would have actually taken the time to help his son through this????!!!! My wish right now is that he just walk away......I have a wonderful man in my life who he wishes was his father. I know thats not right, but he causes so many problems for my child and its just instinct to just want to make the source of the problem go away!

I'm working on several things to relieve his stress. I'm keeping his busy ALL day, exercise, things he enjoys (such as fishing). He is finally opening up to us about his feelings more and more each day. (which are scaring me! he tells me he feels like someone or something is always watching him and he is afraid that someone is going to jump out and get him, and he says he sees "things" - ghost in our home. We are a Christian family, I've been very strict in what he watches on tv, songs he listens too, etc, and the ghost thing isnt something we talk about much, even though I believe that there is good and evil all around us and that we do have something in our home) What scares me is that this may all be delusional thinking. That he isnt seeing ANYTHING, and the paranoia is very extreme.

I don't think his symptoms are getting worse, only that he is finally voicing them all to me. He is up down like a rabbit with his feelings throughout the day and now I finally know how everyone around me felt when they were trying to deal with me when I was unstable! I have bipolar disorder and to me.....I couldn't understand why everyone was getting worn out! LOL Well now I do. My son is not diagnosed with that disorder, luckily we have found VERY good therapist and physciatrist that aren't willing to throw a label and dismiss him.

As far as myself......I'm still in a manic stage, not extreme for me, just cant sleep still, and my OCD is making my think about my troubles non stop day and ALL night long and I cant seem to shut down when I need to. Yet during the day I feel as if I have lead in my feet and no energy.

My meds my have to be adjusted, I dont know I'd rather see if this passes because my meds have kept me in a normal range for so long, I know the stress I'm under is major so its expected to feel the pressure of it.

Well its the start of a new week, and I'm praying hoping that things will take a positive turn....

"An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last." - Winston Churchill