The Rise from rock-bottom

I was 33 years old, diagnosed with depression, working at the local middle school helping special needs kids, which only added to my problems. Every night I'd take home each and every problem those children had, abuse, neglect, physical and mental ailments. I seemed to feel deeper than I ever had before, and I constantly thought of how I wanted to "save" each of them. I thought that I couldnt feel any worse, and that was when I did. I hit rock bottom. I was into my 4th marriage, with no help with 3 children, 2 of which were my own. Housework was left to only me. Homework, football practices, everything. I began to withdraw further and further into my depression. I began missing days at work, and when I was there, I couldnt seem to include myself like I used too. I would go home and do nothing but sleep, and I quit caring for my appearance. Weekends were spent sleeping the entire time. I hated everyone and everything. My children were the only bright spot in my life, and I was not being the mother I used to be. I could think of nothing but sleeping.

I couldnt get out of my head the molestaion I'd suffered as a child, though it only be a small memory for me. I couldnt get over my marriage mistakes. Or the jobs I'd walked out of thinking somehow I was untouchable. I wanted to die.

Death seemed to be the only way out. And I planned the moment that I would leave this terrible life behind. But something, ever so small, inside me was screaming for me to give one last effort. I shared with my mother my thoughts and I was encouraged to check my self into the local crisis unit. I spent 2 weeks and slowly began to feel a little hope. Listening to others with problems that were even bigger than mine, made me think that maybe. Just maybe. There was a way out. A way besides death. I didnt want to disappoint my children by taking my life.

I was then diagnosed with having bi-polar disorder. The depression medication I was on had done the exact opposite of what it should. In a person just suffering from depression, it helps, lifts your mood, brings you out of it. In me, with my mental disorder where my transmittors were all screwed up....and inbalanced. It had the total opposite effect. It fed the demon of depression, and mania.

I was placed on different medications, and for a month I began to feel better. I was attending therapy weekly, doing the mental and physical exercises they instructed. But I found myself once again becoming suicidal. I had enough about me and enough of my depression lifted, to know that I again had to get help.

This time I checked myself into the local hospital, mental/suicidal unit. I wish I could say it was good for me. But there was no help. The phyciatrist wouldnt see me, adjust my meds or anything because I was seeing a phyciatrist that wasnt involved with the hospital. So every day for 7 days I had no structure, no activities, they let me sleep when I wanted, or watch TV. That was it, no visitors even. How was this going to help me? Yet they wouldnt let me out. So I began to walk, I walked the halls every day until I could go home. I wasnt any better, except for the fact that I seemed somewhat more determined to get better.

It took me 6 months to a year to recover from the darkest point in my life, to where I could function.

But damage was done as well.

The school didnt rehire me. My 4th marriage was over- he couldnt deal with my problems nor did he know how, or have anything about him to learn how. And my children no longer trusted me, trusted that I was going to be okay. For my daughter, it was a fight or flight time for her. And she chose to live with her father. I was still struggling with depression, though not as deep as it had been. My daughter moving out was THE hardest thing I'd ever gone through. Not the depression, suicidal thoughts, cancer, failed relationships, other mistakes, or even the molestation from a family member could compair to the emptyness I was feeling over her moving.

I knew she loved me still, and it took me more than 12 months to realize exactly why she left. She didn't think I'd get better and be the mom I was before. She couldnt see an end to the madness.

Its been 2 1/2 years since I had experienced my darkest hour. I've been on medication, and practice daily how to alter my bad and depressed moods. I dont have periods of depression like I did. It comes and goes, but for very short periods of time now, and with MUCH less severity. But it is still there. This is life long for me. A cross I must bear.

But healing has begun in my family. My daughter has realized that I'm really okay now, and we are just as close as we always were before. She isnt hiding her emotions from me like she was, and she is no longer afraid to love me.

My son has been a trooper, never letting go of hope for my recovery. His love has grown and we have a stronger bond than I'd ever thought we would. From the first day I talked with him 3 1/2 years ago about my depression he "knew" exactly how I felt.

Now with his own depression and the likely diagnosis of having bi-polar disorder as well, I see why he understood me.

I think my biggest regret was how my kids suffered. I wasnt a mom to them for far too long. They suffered. This illness doesnt just affect the person diagnosed. It affects the entire family and friends and co-workers you are associated with. They carry a heavier burdan than you do at times. They are carrying you when you cannot carry yourself along.

And they probably never forget.

That is my biggest fear, that my children wont forget when I was in my darkest hour. I'm afraid that I have caused scars that may never heal. They never doubted I loved them. But in all my bad choices I've made in my life, and all I've put them through....the bridges are long in rebuilding. I believe trust in a persons ability to be sound, and make good choices takes a long time to regaine. People who know me, my ex's, friends I've lost, and those I've kept, and the family who were with me through those times will never forget, and they still see me like I was 3 years ago. At least I feel that they do. Many people never can see past your mistakes. Ignorance is a lack of Knowledge. And even in this day and time, people are so ignorant to mental illness.

I look like you. You would never know the dark path I had taken into madness. To know me know and see how far I've come- I have to pat myself on the back. I am not the person I was, that monster of depression wasnt me. It was my illness. I have to tell myself that all the time. If I dont, its too much to bear.

Today....I'm content for the first time in my life. I have a wonderful man who understands me and loves me unconditionally and I know if I ever need to be carried again- he wont leave my side. I have 2 wonderful and forgiving children who seem, on the outside at least, to have forgotten our hard times. We are still on the road to mending whats broken in us. But each day we grow stronger.

There is always a way out, death is not an option. I'm glad I didnt die.

Back from Vacation

I've been away for two weeks now on vacation! It was a wonderful and relaxing time with my family at the lake! The sun did us all some good, and being away from the TV, phone, and people for 2 weeks was heaven!

I am wondering today as I write this if anyone ever views my blog????? Am I just writing this for myself???? I wish that someone would leave a comment and just tell me they have been here. I have such a desire to relate and maybe help someone in my position!

The last two weeks have been up and down for us. My son doesnt handle stress well at all, and is so hyper-sensitive at this moment - you can never tell what will set off a bad or sad mood. With school starting this week its been worse. He is into his therapy but isnt always talking to the therapist. I questioned him about medication for depression, but he informed me that he was cautious about putting him on anything because he suspects that he has bi-polar disorder too. It's sad news to hear, breaks my heart to know that I have probably passed this trait to him. Since he suspects this disorder in him I have to be even more cautious of medication and side effects can show in children when they possible wouldnt show in an adult.

BUT on the other hand, I'm glad that I've been through this myself so that I can know how to deal with my own child, and since I can recognize this problem, hopefully I've caught it early enough that he will recieve the help I never had. My prayers are that his life will be easier than mine was.

Being resentful of the fact that my parents ignored my problems has been a hard thing for me to forgive. I've made many bad choices, errs in judgement and I've had to overcome my problems all alone. Something that I have held on too all these years and never given thought to forgive my parents for that. I should try I guess to completly heal.

I've begun a new medication regimine. I'm taking lamictal, and seroquel. I havent felt MUCH difference, but I have noticed some things that are positive. I'm sleeping at night thanks to the seroquel, and my own depression has lifted somewhat. I've also noticed that I'm not obssessing about what other people think about me or things said to me that hurt my feelings. I used to never care what anyone thought....but as I've gotten older, I seem to think about things that bother me, and let people control my happiness. I'm slowly taking that control back! And I'm proud of myself for doing so! Small steps will still get me where I'm going! Just take a little more time!

Its hard to get a child to understand that. To realize that these feelings of depression, cant do anything right, etc., will go away in time and things will get better for them! Something I've been working with every day.

I've found some interesting things to help him though! One thing is that research shows that when you look with your eyes up and to the left it triggers your right brain to recall pleasant memories, such as your childs first steps, your wedding day, the day your child was born, etc. Researchers have shown that the brain takes in all the pleasant visual things around you and stores them for recall at a later time, and that triggering your right brain to release those memories will ease stress. Monday, the first day of school, my child had a major meltdown, so I tried this exercise on him. And lo and behold it actually worked! He stopped crying immediately and relaxed somewhat. He tried this during the day when he was feeling insecure and unhappy and he said that after a few hours he began to feel more confident and felt better. The rest of the day went okay for him!!!

I havent tried this myself much, I did a few times at night but fell asleep because of my meds so I dont know, but this is something I'm going to remember to try when I feel down myself. Try this out and give me some feed back and let me know if you have noticed any change!